It's difficult to step back from these emotions, to zoom out and become aware of what's really happening in those moments. To look inside oneself instead of projecting blame onto others or circumstances.
It takes time to change our habits, the default settings of our brain, our reflexes. At first, it may take years before we become aware of what was behind a situation we repeatedly experienced, but the more we intend to have awareness, the quicker we can do it. Of course, it's very difficult to have perspective right when something is happening, especially when we're overwhelmed by our inner parts and their emotions, but being aware of it a few hours or days later can already change our experience of the situation.
Having someone to explore this with is a real gift, someone who won't judge the external but will ask us the right questions to extract ourselves from the situation and get to the heart of the problem. It's much easier for someone who isn't overwhelmed by emotions to see and identify what's happening beneath the surface. If you like detective games, that's perfect, bring out your magnifying glass and delve into the depths of the unconscious!
I wish you to find your compassionate Sherlock to help you untangle your problematic situations by doing inner work, gently, with kindness. In the meantime, I'd like to say:
Before anything else, compassion.
I know how frustrating and irritating it can be to feel stuck in a situation, in a repetitive pattern, or with difficult emotions. We can end up blaming ourselves, judging ourselves, feeling ashamed, lowering ourselves, hating ourselves, getting enraged, etc.
I'd like to suggest changing perspective.
Instead of thinking about our wounded parts and saying "they annoy me, I'm fed up with them ruining my life", let's take a moment to become aware of their presence and what's happening within us.
When a child experiences trauma, how do you think they would feel if we were to yelled at them that they're annoying us, ruining our lives, that they should calm down and stop having disproportionate reactions that aren't warranted?
If you've experienced childhood trauma, you know that you needed the exact opposite. A reassuring presence, a space to express your emotions, to be seen, heard, believed, understood, accepted, reassured.
So, when we experience strong emotions or repetitive patterns, perhaps it would be better not to follow the automatic response of starting an external war (with the people involved or the circumstances) or an internal war (with our wounded parts expressing themselves).
What about we open a safe space for our inner parts instead?
What if we told them, yes, okay, I hear you, I feel what you feel so I know. I know. I know what you're going through right now. I'm not going to let you explode at people, but come, let's sit down for a minute and I'll listen to you. He did this, she said that? Okay. You are angry? Yes, I understand. You want to scream at them? Well, come on, let's write it to them on paper.
It sounds silly and simplistic, but writing down everything we feel on paper opens up a space for our inner parts to express themselves. When they feel seen and heard, they express themselves less loudly and believe me, that's already something! Don't censor yourself, even if you feel like you're writing horrors, even if you don't believe what you're writing, let it ALL pour. Don't judge these parts, let them have free rein.
Don't hesitate to reread later and highlight what repeats the most, there lies a key to the origin of the wound that this part of you carries.
It's just one way to support our inner parts. They're stuck in a difficult memory, let's accompany them instead of blaming them.
Let's accompany ourselves.
What I really want to tell you is, please, be gentle with yourself.
Stop the inner war.
Speak to yourself with gentleness, compassion, understanding.
Be the kind and reassuring presence you would need.
This can also involve speaking to your other inner parts: those that are strong, that have dreams, projects, convictions, that are grounded, centered.
The inner war can take place between you and your wounded parts but also between your strong parts and your wounded parts. It pulls in both directions inside you and you feel torn. I want to go but I'm too scared. I want to do this but I can't. I have this project but I'm not capable.
It's time to invite your strong parts to be kind and supportive of your wounded parts.
We have a thousand emotions so it's easy not to have the reflex to bring consciousness to everything happening within us, but guess what?
The conductor is us!
We feel, we hear, we understand, we know, but we decide. Us.
We can choose not to listen to an inner part, but let's do it gently, accompanying them in the process, to soothe them instead of making them even more intense.
A little game to better understand and support ourselves: how many inner parts can you discern within you?
Sending you my thoughts
Look at the picture and feel..
